


10.) EVERY STEP YOU TAKE

by SHARKMARTINI



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Carry On Round Robin, M/M, Stalking Baz
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-29
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-07-25 21:14:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,223
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20032444
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SHARKMARTINI/pseuds/SHARKMARTINI
Summary: How do you learn to trust someone you feel like you don't even know?





	10.) EVERY STEP YOU TAKE

**Author's Note:**

> This is campy and I'd like to apologize personally to the other authors, the readers, but especially to [soultoast](https://archiveofourown.org/users/soultoast).
> 
> I know you're all dying of jealousy that none of you got my very original and creative trope (stalking Baz), so hope you enjoy.

**SIMON**

I don't even wear it because I'm afraid of him. The cross, I mean.

Okay, so it's a protective symbol against vampires, and Baz _happens _to be a vampire, but that doesn't necessarily mean that I don't trust him. In fact, I'm sure there are many vampires less trustworthy than Baz is.

But that doesn't change the fact that I don't trust him, not even a little. I wonder how that can be, but I guess you don't need to trust someone to want to kiss them.

(_Again_, I want to kiss him _again_.)

I'm pretending to be asleep when he gets back in after our fight. I'm trying to make everything make sense- but nothing this year has. I almost wish things would go back to normal, so I could ground myself somehow. But this is what I'm stuck with, and I have no idea how to move forward.

I want to kiss Baz, that much I know. I want to be able to trust him. I just don't know how.

Then, staring at the ceiling, listening to his huffing breaths- it comes to me.

**BAZ**

I ignore him when I get back to the room. It's not hard since he's already asleep.

I don't bother being rude to him during class as I normally would either. Instead I ignore him. It's not easy to pretend he's not there (he's like the _sun_) but I manage well enough.

He's been quiet most of the day, alternating between staring at me and scrawling on his notes furiously. I hear Penny chiding him for it, so I know it's not that he's decided to finally care about his education for once. (He really should.)

During lunch he sits at his usual table, but at a seat that makes it easier for me to overhear his conversation with Bunce. "I'm going to be gone on a mission for the mage for about a week," he tells her. For once his mouth isn't full or overflowing during a meal.

It's a dead give-away. So is the fact that he side-eyes me while he tells her. I'm pretending to stir my coffee, and don't give him the satisfaction of showing that I've heard him.

"The mage isn't even here." Bunce is barely even paying attention to him. I wonder if he's managed to burn through her patience today too.

"He sent me a little bird! I got it on the way to the dining hall this morning. It almost ran right into my eye. I could have been blinded." He pulls at his collar nervously. He's a terrible liar. I wonder if anyone has ever told him that. "Anyway, can you give me copies of your notes when I get back? I'm going to need them."

I don't doubt it.

Then, true to his word, he disappears between classes.

When I get back to our room after tea, there's a cat sitting on his bed. It's too brown to be a proper ginger, but it’s bronzed all the same. I squint at it- and it looks right back. The cat has the most basic blue eyes I've ever seen.

"You absolute imbecile" I hiss at the cat, baring my teeth. The cat doesn't flinch.

I can't believe Snow has turned himself into a fucking cat.

(I don't want to know why. It hurts my brain enough just knowing that he did it.)

I spend the rest of the afternoon glaring at him. Snow just stares back. I want to ask him why he is the way he is, but I don't think I want to know the answer. Besides, after the other night it's probably for the best. I don't really want to convince him that we should talk our problems out. I don't need to know what he has to say about me being- what I am. I already know how he feels about it.

(That cross is better at expressing his feelings about it than he could ever be.)

Eventually I decide to go down to the pitch for a reprieve from him before dinner. When I start lacing up my shoes he hops down off his bed and starts waiting by the door, looking at it expectantly. I push him to the side with the edge of my shoe (gently, to please the Anathema), but he crowds back against the door when I go to turn the handle.

Suddenly it all makes sense.

"I can't believe you did this to try and follow me," I hiss at him, "haven't you learned your lesson?" He just stares. "You can stop it now," I tell him, "I've got you all figured out."

He doesn't make any move to end the spell. I know he can hear and understand me. It's rare for a mage to have enough power to transform themselves, but it's not entirely without precedent. There've been enough first-hand accounts over the years to know a little- and there is a strong consensus that Snow should be entirely aware of what is going on around him (I mean, to the maximum of his usual abilities, anyway).

He tries slipping past me as I finally leave, so I use my superior speed to pick him up and chuck him back in the room. I lock the door and spell it for good measure. I can't believe him. No one barges right through boundaries quite like Snow does. First he reads my private journal, and then discusses his findings with his groupies. Then he organizes a clumsy attempt to pressure me into kissing him, and then follows it all up by following me to watch me feed.

Aleister _fucking _Crowley. I can't believe in love with this moron.

I shouldn't be surprised that he's tried to up the ante. (If he tries to follow me into the washroom I'm going to kill him- for real.)

After dinner I linger in the library until it gets dark enough to sneak into the catacombs. I must be more paranoid than usual, because I can sense something (someone?) following me. However even after wasting a disgraceful amount of magic on revealing spells (**Show yourself! Come out, come out wherever you are!**), no one else is there, and I'm forced to admit that recent events must have shaken me and now I'm more paranoid than usual.

When I get back to the room, the door is unlocked but closed. (Which is strange, I don't want to imagine how much magic it would take to shift back and forth between physical forms but nothing about Snow makes sense. Also, why would he transform to unlock the door and then not leave the room? I set a ward on him- **To bell a cat**, and it's still intact). Snow is still there, sitting on his desk to look out the window. He's left it open, as usual- and the door to the room swings back and forth in the breeze.

I take great pleasure in shutting it, giving him a shit eating smile the whole time. He blinks at me slowly, but I don't get any further reaction from him. My gums start tingling and I sneak towards him, cautious. He eyes me carefully but doesn't make a move to attack as I look for his cross, moving my hand through his fur. (He's not wearing it. Thinking about it, I don't know how clothing works in this kind of situation. Did he transform himself with all his clothing and cross still on? Is that why I'm feeling it?)

I make my way to the washroom, giving him a look the whole time, but he doesn't make an effort to follow me. Thank Snakes. When I'm done my shower, I flick off the light and get into bed.

"Don't push your luck, I'm sure cat blood tastes loads better than rats," I threaten as he curls up at the end of my bed. I wait for it, but the tingling doesn't get worse. I don't know what he's up to. I never hunt twice in the same night (I don't need to). He doesn't need to keep an eye on me now.

There could be another reason he wants to be close to me, but I don't dare think about it.

I won't ever admit to it- but it's easier to fall asleep with the comforting weight of him against my feet.

**SIMON**

I think part of the reason I felt like I couldn't trust Baz is because I feel like I barely know him at all. Which is weird to think about, because I also think I know him better than I know almost anyone.

Or at least, I know the part of him he lets other people see, the mask that he puts on. But the Baz who held my hands, who stared at me with half lidded eyes- the one who writes about how he wishes he could comfort me, how he loves me…

That's the Baz I wish I knew.

Honestly, I thought my plan was flawless. Micah loves to read biographies and he's always recommending them to me in postscripts at the bottom of his letters, but I don't much like to read. But there was one he lent me during his exchange year, and one of the quotes really stuck with me: "The true test of a man’s character is what he does when no one is watching."

I can't believe the answer was so simple. To find out whether or not I could trust Baz I'd just have to figure out what he's like when he's on his own. Which I didn't think would be difficult, since he's almost always alone.

Honestly, they say there’s an appeal to villains, and I kind of get it. The plotting, scheming- if nothing else they’re usually interesting. Pen says this is why a lot of literature is defined by the quality of the antagonist. But as the week gets longer and longer- all I learn is that Baz truly must be the world’s most boring villain.

(If he's even one at all.)

He wakes and brushes his teeth. He changes in the washroom. He goes down to breakfast and stirs a cup of (what must be sickeningly sweet) coffee. He attends his lessons, always sitting near the front of the class. I peek over his shoulder and see that his notes are tidy and concise. His handwriting looks like a font.

He stirs his coffee again during lunch, takes his free period in the library, attends more lessons. After tea he has violin or football practice. He goes to dinner and pushes food around on his plate. He studies, then, when it’s dark, he slips down to the catacombs.

I follow him for three days until I realize this is his normal routine. He’s not just naturally good at everything- he practices the things he’s not good at until he’s better. He studies until he knows the material. He does drills until the movements come flawlessly.

Knowing this (watching it, really) makes it easier to think of him as something other than a monster. Really, he’s just a boy.

A boy who eats rats.

(Exclusively, it would seem.)

(I don't mean _exclusively_. I've been following him enough to finally see him eat normal food. He sneaks down to the kitchens sometimes, or I've watched him put stuff in his bag to eat when he's alone. This started making more sense to me when I noticed that his fangs come out when he's eating- rats or normal food. I mean exclusively in the sense that he doesn’t _once _side eye another student. Okay he does, but usually after they’ve said or done something stupid. And he looks more annoyed than hungry when he does it).

I can't logically explain how I know him better after all this, I just know that I do. Now he seems like someone I could trust. Someone who could treat me kindly, possibly, if we were alone together.

(He flosses twice a day. It's hard to imagine someone being evil and unpredictable when they seem to care so much about dental hygiene. And there is literally no penalty to not flossing- he just seems to do it because he's supposed to. In fact, a lot of what he does seems to be things he's supposed to do. I wonder how much of what he does in a day is what he wants to be doing, how much of his days he actually takes for himself.)

It's been a weird week, overall. And then there’s that stupid cat.

I'll admit, it took me an embarrassingly long time to figure out that he was talking to the cat because he thought it was me.

(In all honesty, I was going to turn myself into a cat. Everyone loves cats. I thought about a rat first, but it seemed too dangerous, considering. I figured even Baz wouldn't have it in him to drain a cat, so I'd be safe. But then Penny had told me that it was the stupidest idea she'd ever heard of and spelled me invisible instead- but not before I'd used "**It's raining cats and dogs**," and had been literally _awash _in cats. And dogs. Thankfully Pen and I managed to vanish or chase most of them away- except for one, apparently.)

After three days of listening to him insult the cat and taunt it at every opportunity, I realized- _Baz thinks I spelled myself to be a cat._

Which explains some things, like why he’s always calling it ‘an absolute imbecile.’ (It doesn’t explain _everything _though, like why he’s started to bring it sour cherry scones from dinner. Not that I mind. I wait until he’s busy with something else and I eat the scones. They’re still good cold, and the cat doesn't need them. I do.)

I realize that following him must have been so easy because he’s been distracted by the cat, although he keeps looking over his shoulder more than he usually does. He keeps spelling the cat with tracking charms and locking it in the room, but it doesn't seem to help his paranoia which is clearly evident as I follow him around (still invisible). He's taken to shaking his head frequently and telling himself to get a grip. It makes him look mental.

(Weirdly, he's also invested in three new kinds of mouthwash. And they're all those weird ones that protect the gums too. I'm the first to admit I'm furthest thing from a dentist, but I'm pretty certain that with all the flossing he's doing he doesn't need to invest any more effort in his teeth. Unless maybe it's a vampire thing- a sort of fixation maybe?)

Now we’re down in the catacombs; me, Baz and the cat. He’s arguing with it. It doesn’t usually follow us down here, because he keeps locking it in our room before dinner. But this time when I’d gone after him, I’d forgotten to close the door properly and the cat had followed us here, jingling the entire way courtesy of Baz's tracking and locating spells.

“Snow, I don’t know what you think you’re doing following me everywhere-”

He’s not wrong, but watching him tell it to the cat is hilarious.

He takes a deep breath. “You shouldn’t- you shouldn’t be here. This isn’t where you belong.” His tone changes, and my heart does something funny. He sounds so anguished. The fucking cat isn’t even paying attention to him. “This isn’t- I don’t want you to see me like this. This isn’t who I am.”

I know it isn't. I think I know now just exactly who he is. He's a wanker, and a bully, but he's not a villain. He's just someone who isn't very good at living beyond what others expect him to be.

(He thinks I'm thick, but not enough to ignore the fact that we're very similar, him and me.)

I want to go to him. He’s dirty, and covered in rat blood, but I want him to know it’s okay. He’s okay.

But instead he picks up that stupid cat and stares at it like it’s got all the answers for him.

I hate that fucking cat.

I can see his fangs, long and sharp. But I don’t for one second imagine that that’s the reason he’s picked up the cat. Instead he's still talking to it, and my heart breaks a little.

“Please, just leave.”

He sets it down and the cat disappears into the dark. Baz lets out a breath and leans back against the wall. I want to tell him not to- there’s bones sticking out of the dirt (it’s unsanitary).

I want to go over and comfort him more than anything. I'm trying to decide whether it's worth ending my invisibility spell, admitting that I've been following him (a complete and utter invasion of privacy- I don't like to admit it, but I'm not a liar) if it means I can touch his face and tell him it's all right.

Then the cat comes back, and drops a dead rat at Baz’s feet.

When I see the look Baz gives the cat I wish more than ever that I was that fucking cat.

The rest of the trip is silent while they hunt in tandem, Baz draining the rats and then watching bemusedly as the cat eats what's left. He tries to stop it a couple of times ("You've made your point Snow, you don't have to-") but then just flips between looking confused and unsettled.

I wonder what he's thinking.

He picks up the cat when they're done, and talks to it quietly as we make our way back to Mummer's. I try to listen, but the cat hisses when I get too close and Baz looks around, startled, before trying to comfort the cat.

We're nearing the top of the tower when I hear him call it Simon.

(That's _my _name. My proper one. The one he should be calling me instead of Chosen one, or Snow, or even 'you sodding imbecile.')

It's the final straw.

Several things happen at once. "**As you were!**" I raise my wand and end the spell, reaching out towards Baz with my other hand to grab him by the back of his jumper. The cat watches me materialize over Baz's shoulder and starts hissing and spitting, causing Baz to turn around.

"Baz," I wheeze, out of breath at having climbed the stairs at a pace to keep up with his long legs.

He looks at me, then at the cat in his arms. Then back at me like he just needs to be certain.

I know this look- and he's already punched me down the stairs once this year (contrary to what everyone believes, I don't actually _like _making the same mistake twice).

I know I don't have long to explain myself, so I do the only thing I can think of. I grab at the cross around my neck and tug. He raises a brow at me as I choke a little. I tug (harder this time) and the chain snaps. I don't even look at it before I throw it out the window.

Then I square my shoulders and wait.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for checking it out!
> 
> I can also be found on [tumblr](https://sharkmartini.tumblr.com/)


End file.
